Changes.....

are a constant in this life. I have been learning lately that change can only happen if I allow it.

The thesaurus has these alternative words for 'change': alter, alternate, amend, barter, convert, correct, denature, diversify, edit,exchange, fluctuate, interchange, metamorphose, moderate, modify, mutate, permute, rearrange, rearrange, reform, remodel, swap, switch, take liberties, with, trade, transfigure, transform, transmute, transpose, turn, turn around, turn upside down, vacillate, vary, veer.

As I look over these words, there many I could use to describe myself and what I was afraid of. Why would I choose to modify myself if I was already okay with who I was? Why would I choose to be transformed for the same reason?

I have been resisting change for a very long time in some areas of my life. There have been several reasons as to why I've been this way, whether it was for fear, pride, or uncertainty of the unknown.

I've been also been learning just how much I like to be right. I don't want to be corrected. I've believed for a long time that I'm not the problem. The other person is the problem. That's been changing though. I've been realizing that maybe I was the one with the problem. I could hardly admit that to myself. I'd do my best to hide it and deny it. I didn't want anyone else to know that I'm not perfect and that I have my own battles and issues to deal with in this life.

Here are 3 words I would use to describe myself.

Stubborn

Prideful

Fearful

It is these things that have been hindering my ability to accept change in my life. I haven't wanted to change my attitudes, my thoughts, my actions. I've been terrified of the unknown. I've been too full of pride to admit my weakness. I've been too stubborn to budge.

Recently I have been pushed by some very caring and well-meaning people in my life to make some serious changes. They have put up with excuses, anger, and other not-so-desirable things from me. I know they've wanted the best for me for a very long time. Even with my reluctance they have continued to love me and pray for me and push me even beyond my limits.

I've been in survival mode for quite awhile. I've been living day to day and sometimes hour by hour. I'm learning that I don't have to live like that anymore. I can be free to dream and to have the life that I truly want to have. My fear, pride and stubbornness have all been barriers to that life.


I'm being transformed on the inside. I've given in to their requests (sometimes not so willingly) to work on myself and my attitudes. I'm finding a freedom and a peace that I didn't know was there. I didn't believe that it even existed anymore because it has been so long since I've experienced it.

God's been slowly chipping away at the walls around my heart and showing me that there really is more to this life than raising a couple of kids and just trying to make it on a daily basis.

There is hope inside of me once again. Hope for all things that I once thought was lost. I was dead inside. There were parts of me that were hardened and were beyond reach as far as I was concerned.

Change can be a good thing, that much I'm learning. It's not an easy task to undertake and certainly not pain free, but it's not as excruciatingly painful as living as I had in the past.

Miracles do happen. My heart is living proof of that.