I've been learning a lot in regards to many things over the last several months.
I'm learning a new job which has added a different kind of stress to my life.
I'm learning that I must be meticulous in how much I guard myself from others. Especially in my role as a pastor's wife.
I'm learning how to balance family, church commitments, work, and what it takes for life to work.
But most of all, I'm learning that I have to accept things for what they are.
Life will never be exactly as I want it to be. I am learning to accept that I am not meant to have some of the things my heart desires.
In fact, at this point, I am meant to be here, right now, raising my children, being a wife, and fulfilling commitments while other parts of me go neglected and will always be so.
I do realize everyone is different and unique in their needs and desires. I am no different, but acceptance of what's to be a reality must happen...and for me, it means a life of putting others first while denying myself.
And that's okay...
...but at what cost...
It's reality.
11/11/2012
10/06/2012
Wide Awake....
...But missing the details.
Do you ever feel like you're as alert and as competent as you're ever going to be, and yet mistakes continue to be made because details are missed?
That's the place where it seems my brain has made itself at home these days.
Getting into the routine of a new school year, starting up the kids activities such as hockey and ballet, evening church commitments 2x a week PLUS learning an incredibly stressful and always changing new job seems to leave me feeling stuck in a permanent state of the 'blonde moment.'
I'm missing the details as I struggle to balance it all.
That's when the insecurity starts to take hold.
What do they think of me? How could I miss that thing that was right in front of me? Why did I have to ask the same question for the 500th time at work? Do the other mom's think I'm lazy for not being more involved with volunteering at school? And so on....
It's a difficult place to be.
I want to feel confident, smart, and respected. It's hard when I feel none of those things.
I do understand that my self perception may be skewed but it still doesn't change what I feel inside.
It's today's truth about me and where I'm at.
Do you ever feel like you're as alert and as competent as you're ever going to be, and yet mistakes continue to be made because details are missed?
That's the place where it seems my brain has made itself at home these days.
Getting into the routine of a new school year, starting up the kids activities such as hockey and ballet, evening church commitments 2x a week PLUS learning an incredibly stressful and always changing new job seems to leave me feeling stuck in a permanent state of the 'blonde moment.'
I'm missing the details as I struggle to balance it all.
That's when the insecurity starts to take hold.
What do they think of me? How could I miss that thing that was right in front of me? Why did I have to ask the same question for the 500th time at work? Do the other mom's think I'm lazy for not being more involved with volunteering at school? And so on....
It's a difficult place to be.
I want to feel confident, smart, and respected. It's hard when I feel none of those things.
I do understand that my self perception may be skewed but it still doesn't change what I feel inside.
It's today's truth about me and where I'm at.
6/08/2012
Shadows
As I was on my morning walk observing the incredibly gorgeous sunrise the other day, I was listening..yet again...to my favorite song.
I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.
I paused in my walking to gaze at the glorious sight before me as the sun crested the horizon displaying the entirety of its glory.
My mind started combining the thoughts between the lyrics of this song and my current view. I observed all that was around me from the sunrise, to the birds singing, the gentle breeze on my brow, and lastly, the shadow that was being cast behind me.
I had this vision of literally standing in His presence...In the SON.
I came to this amazing realization.
There would be no shadows cast from the presence of this SON. His light would permeate all that moves, has breath and has life.
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you
I can only imagine
I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.
I paused in my walking to gaze at the glorious sight before me as the sun crested the horizon displaying the entirety of its glory.
My mind started combining the thoughts between the lyrics of this song and my current view. I observed all that was around me from the sunrise, to the birds singing, the gentle breeze on my brow, and lastly, the shadow that was being cast behind me.
I had this vision of literally standing in His presence...In the SON.
I came to this amazing realization.
There would be no shadows cast from the presence of this SON. His light would permeate all that moves, has breath and has life.
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you
I can only imagine
5/31/2012
Walls....
...Are built for a reason. Whether it's to protect small children from the dangers of the outside world or in turn to keep the outside world away from us.
People have a tendency to build walls, internal walls, around their hearts. We become guarded, careful, and hesitant to allow people past those walls. We do it for protection. Perhaps there's been prior hurt so in response those walls have been built. Maybe it's fear of the unknown, so we naturally want to protect ourselves from potential discomfort or pain.
So many people have become master wall builders. We see who they are up to a point, yet we don't really KNOW who they are on the inside. How do they think? What are they scared of? How would they change if those walls were somehow climbed over or knocked down?
Just a bit of food for thought....
People have a tendency to build walls, internal walls, around their hearts. We become guarded, careful, and hesitant to allow people past those walls. We do it for protection. Perhaps there's been prior hurt so in response those walls have been built. Maybe it's fear of the unknown, so we naturally want to protect ourselves from potential discomfort or pain.
So many people have become master wall builders. We see who they are up to a point, yet we don't really KNOW who they are on the inside. How do they think? What are they scared of? How would they change if those walls were somehow climbed over or knocked down?
Just a bit of food for thought....
5/30/2012
You have to Wonder...
...Why things like this happen.
This is a young woman I once volunteered with. We were a part of a group of leaders involved with our church youth group.
Her, her husband and her 2 year old son were found dead in a ditch.
My heart aches for those close to this young family.
Some things are a mystery....
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/2012/05/29/sk-st-walburg-deaths-1205.html
This is a young woman I once volunteered with. We were a part of a group of leaders involved with our church youth group.
Her, her husband and her 2 year old son were found dead in a ditch.
My heart aches for those close to this young family.
Some things are a mystery....
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/2012/05/29/sk-st-walburg-deaths-1205.html
5/29/2012
Introvert VS Extrovert
I was conversing with someone the other day and he asked me if I was an introvert or an extrovert. Of course I quickly responded that I was indeed an introvert. He then proceeded to ask what I believed an introvert to be. I answered with what I had always believed an introvert to be
An introvert is someone who is shy.
He went on to explain his theory of how an introvert is more than that. It's someone who is energized by being alone.
He then continued on that an extrovert is someone he believed to be energized by being around people.
As a result of this conversation, I managed to track down the definitions of introvert and extrovert. These definitions backed up his thoughts exactly.
Which are you?
Here they are.
INTROVERT
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.
Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
EXTROVERT
Definition: Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.
Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.
Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues).
Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.
An introvert is someone who is shy.
He went on to explain his theory of how an introvert is more than that. It's someone who is energized by being alone.
He then continued on that an extrovert is someone he believed to be energized by being around people.
As a result of this conversation, I managed to track down the definitions of introvert and extrovert. These definitions backed up his thoughts exactly.
Which are you?
Here they are.
INTROVERT
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.
Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
EXTROVERT
Definition: Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.
Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.
Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues).
Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.
5/28/2012
Food for Thought...
What do I care?
Some are deeply hurting due to choices they've made. Others are suffering as a result of another's actions.
It's guaranteed that people are going to experience pain in this life. Grief over losing a loved one. Heartache over the break up of a family. Frustration and an urge to fix things as we watch others make bad choices who then continue on to suffer the consequences of those choices.
I'm trying to discipline myself to go beyond the cursory "how are you" as I talk with others. I really do care about what's happening in their lives but even I am prone to ask the age old question only expecting the usual answer of "fine."
I am sometimes surprised by what people have to say if their answer isn't "fine."
I asked someone that today. He first said "it could be better, but do you really wanna know?" Of course I wanted to know so I encouraged him to share. This guy and 4 of his buddies had flown here to Saskatchewan from Maine for a hunting trip. The only luggage that arrived with them 2 days ago were their rifles. The other 8 bags of luggage between them had not yet made it to Saskatoon. They arrived at the airport with no luggage and then proceeded to the budget booth where they had booked a vehicle over 6 months ago. Budget did not have the promised vehicle so this group of guys wound up having to pay another 1100 dollars in order to get 2 smaller vehicles than the original larger one that was requested. As a result of having to wait for their luggage, these guys have had to book motel rooms for 2 or 3 nights which was yet another unexpected cost to them. Then, one of their vehicles got a flat tire. They drove all over Saskatoon looking for a place who would be willing to fix their tire. They went to 5 or 6 places and finally came to my place of work. We were able to do this for them. I'm sure they'll never come to Saskatchewan again after this terrible start to their hunting trip. I felt terrible for them.
The whole point of me explaining this is that it really does matter when you ask someone how they are doing. These guys weren't having a very good go of it but they were glad to have someone to vent to a little bit. I sure didn't mind listening. I know that sharing things can help relieve the frustration levels, even if it's just a little bit.
Here's a few questions for you to think about:
Have we become blind to what's happening in the lives of those around us?
Would we rather be ignorant to the needs of others so that we don't feel the pressure to care?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we have lost all desire to focus on anyone else?
Are we scared that people might ask us how we are truly doing and we would prefer to keep that secret?
Do we know how to respond to someone who doesn't answer "fine"?
Where are you at?
Think about it.
Do you think...
....That maybe this whole human nature thing is a little much to fight sometimes?
It gets wearying after awhile.
It gets wearying after awhile.
5/07/2012
Lost
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just get lost....
Lost in the moment?
Lost in time?
Lost in the arms of someone who loves you?
Lost in the affection from your children?
Or
Just Lost in everything....
Nothing on your mind, nothing to distract you, nothing to worry you, nothing to consume your very core.
Lost in nothing.
Letting it all go.
Some may call it a way of ignoring life.
Others may say it's a way of coping.
Still others might say it's a desperately needed escape from the pressures of this world.
Then, Something comes along. Maybe a person, a scent, a memory, a song...And it brings you to a place of escape. A place of just being able to "BE."
For me, it's a song.
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.
The words envelop me. My mind absorbs and listens and wants nothing more than to hold within the images that come to mind.
For me it's that escape I long for. It brings me to a place of forgetting the worries, stresses, and concerns of this world I'm in. It allows me to grasp onto something more. Something beyond myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LUc78vbDk&feature=related
Lost in the moment?
Lost in time?
Lost in the arms of someone who loves you?
Lost in the affection from your children?
Or
Just Lost in everything....
Nothing on your mind, nothing to distract you, nothing to worry you, nothing to consume your very core.
Lost in nothing.
Letting it all go.
Some may call it a way of ignoring life.
Others may say it's a way of coping.
Still others might say it's a desperately needed escape from the pressures of this world.
Then, Something comes along. Maybe a person, a scent, a memory, a song...And it brings you to a place of escape. A place of just being able to "BE."
For me, it's a song.
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.
The words envelop me. My mind absorbs and listens and wants nothing more than to hold within the images that come to mind.
For me it's that escape I long for. It brings me to a place of forgetting the worries, stresses, and concerns of this world I'm in. It allows me to grasp onto something more. Something beyond myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LUc78vbDk&feature=related
4/27/2012
Loved
This is a piece a friend of mine recently asked me to write. He lost his daughter to cancer just over a year ago. She was only 22. I was honored to fulfill this request and present him with something special.
Loved
Loved
from the moment you entered our world
Loved
by those eager to embrace you, hold you, and pour love upon you for your days
upon this earth
Loved
As
an infant you held tight to our fingers, embracing our hearts
Innocently
loving those in your presence
And
later on, wrapping your arms around our necks whispering
“I
love you”
To
anyone who would listen
Dreaming
the dreams of a little girl for life’s journey
Blossoming
into a young woman
Beautiful
Vibrant
Full
of life
Smiling
with sparkling eyes at those holding you within their hearts
Readily
grasping the possibilities of a future unknown
Dreaming
Loved
Unexpected
was the news of a bright future cut tragically short
Broken
and scared as to what was to come
Treasuring
every remaining moment
Loving
as never before
Loved
Cherishing
the time we shared, but thirsting for more
Longing
to walk you down the aisle to meet the one you would marry
Yearning
to hold the grandchildren who will never be
Aching
to have your arms wrap around our necks once more
Loved
by many
Grieving
hearts
Embracing
your precious memory
Burying
it deep within
Treasured
Loved
eternally
You
Are Loved
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