I've been learning a lot in regards to many things over the last several months.
I'm learning a new job which has added a different kind of stress to my life.
I'm learning that I must be meticulous in how much I guard myself from others. Especially in my role as a pastor's wife.
I'm learning how to balance family, church commitments, work, and what it takes for life to work.
But most of all, I'm learning that I have to accept things for what they are.
Life will never be exactly as I want it to be. I am learning to accept that I am not meant to have some of the things my heart desires.
In fact, at this point, I am meant to be here, right now, raising my children, being a wife, and fulfilling commitments while other parts of me go neglected and will always be so.
I do realize everyone is different and unique in their needs and desires. I am no different, but acceptance of what's to be a reality must happen...and for me, it means a life of putting others first while denying myself.
And that's okay...
...but at what cost...
It's reality.
11/11/2012
10/06/2012
Wide Awake....
...But missing the details.
Do you ever feel like you're as alert and as competent as you're ever going to be, and yet mistakes continue to be made because details are missed?
That's the place where it seems my brain has made itself at home these days.
Getting into the routine of a new school year, starting up the kids activities such as hockey and ballet, evening church commitments 2x a week PLUS learning an incredibly stressful and always changing new job seems to leave me feeling stuck in a permanent state of the 'blonde moment.'
I'm missing the details as I struggle to balance it all.
That's when the insecurity starts to take hold.
What do they think of me? How could I miss that thing that was right in front of me? Why did I have to ask the same question for the 500th time at work? Do the other mom's think I'm lazy for not being more involved with volunteering at school? And so on....
It's a difficult place to be.
I want to feel confident, smart, and respected. It's hard when I feel none of those things.
I do understand that my self perception may be skewed but it still doesn't change what I feel inside.
It's today's truth about me and where I'm at.
Do you ever feel like you're as alert and as competent as you're ever going to be, and yet mistakes continue to be made because details are missed?
That's the place where it seems my brain has made itself at home these days.
Getting into the routine of a new school year, starting up the kids activities such as hockey and ballet, evening church commitments 2x a week PLUS learning an incredibly stressful and always changing new job seems to leave me feeling stuck in a permanent state of the 'blonde moment.'
I'm missing the details as I struggle to balance it all.
That's when the insecurity starts to take hold.
What do they think of me? How could I miss that thing that was right in front of me? Why did I have to ask the same question for the 500th time at work? Do the other mom's think I'm lazy for not being more involved with volunteering at school? And so on....
It's a difficult place to be.
I want to feel confident, smart, and respected. It's hard when I feel none of those things.
I do understand that my self perception may be skewed but it still doesn't change what I feel inside.
It's today's truth about me and where I'm at.
6/08/2012
Shadows
As I was on my morning walk observing the incredibly gorgeous sunrise the other day, I was listening..yet again...to my favorite song.
I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.
I paused in my walking to gaze at the glorious sight before me as the sun crested the horizon displaying the entirety of its glory.
My mind started combining the thoughts between the lyrics of this song and my current view. I observed all that was around me from the sunrise, to the birds singing, the gentle breeze on my brow, and lastly, the shadow that was being cast behind me.
I had this vision of literally standing in His presence...In the SON.
I came to this amazing realization.
There would be no shadows cast from the presence of this SON. His light would permeate all that moves, has breath and has life.
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you
I can only imagine
I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.
I paused in my walking to gaze at the glorious sight before me as the sun crested the horizon displaying the entirety of its glory.
My mind started combining the thoughts between the lyrics of this song and my current view. I observed all that was around me from the sunrise, to the birds singing, the gentle breeze on my brow, and lastly, the shadow that was being cast behind me.
I had this vision of literally standing in His presence...In the SON.
I came to this amazing realization.
There would be no shadows cast from the presence of this SON. His light would permeate all that moves, has breath and has life.
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you
I can only imagine
5/31/2012
Walls....
...Are built for a reason. Whether it's to protect small children from the dangers of the outside world or in turn to keep the outside world away from us.
People have a tendency to build walls, internal walls, around their hearts. We become guarded, careful, and hesitant to allow people past those walls. We do it for protection. Perhaps there's been prior hurt so in response those walls have been built. Maybe it's fear of the unknown, so we naturally want to protect ourselves from potential discomfort or pain.
So many people have become master wall builders. We see who they are up to a point, yet we don't really KNOW who they are on the inside. How do they think? What are they scared of? How would they change if those walls were somehow climbed over or knocked down?
Just a bit of food for thought....
People have a tendency to build walls, internal walls, around their hearts. We become guarded, careful, and hesitant to allow people past those walls. We do it for protection. Perhaps there's been prior hurt so in response those walls have been built. Maybe it's fear of the unknown, so we naturally want to protect ourselves from potential discomfort or pain.
So many people have become master wall builders. We see who they are up to a point, yet we don't really KNOW who they are on the inside. How do they think? What are they scared of? How would they change if those walls were somehow climbed over or knocked down?
Just a bit of food for thought....
5/30/2012
You have to Wonder...
...Why things like this happen.
This is a young woman I once volunteered with. We were a part of a group of leaders involved with our church youth group.
Her, her husband and her 2 year old son were found dead in a ditch.
My heart aches for those close to this young family.
Some things are a mystery....
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/2012/05/29/sk-st-walburg-deaths-1205.html
This is a young woman I once volunteered with. We were a part of a group of leaders involved with our church youth group.
Her, her husband and her 2 year old son were found dead in a ditch.
My heart aches for those close to this young family.
Some things are a mystery....
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatchewan/story/2012/05/29/sk-st-walburg-deaths-1205.html
5/29/2012
Introvert VS Extrovert
I was conversing with someone the other day and he asked me if I was an introvert or an extrovert. Of course I quickly responded that I was indeed an introvert. He then proceeded to ask what I believed an introvert to be. I answered with what I had always believed an introvert to be
An introvert is someone who is shy.
He went on to explain his theory of how an introvert is more than that. It's someone who is energized by being alone.
He then continued on that an extrovert is someone he believed to be energized by being around people.
As a result of this conversation, I managed to track down the definitions of introvert and extrovert. These definitions backed up his thoughts exactly.
Which are you?
Here they are.
INTROVERT
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.
Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
EXTROVERT
Definition: Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.
Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.
Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues).
Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.
An introvert is someone who is shy.
He went on to explain his theory of how an introvert is more than that. It's someone who is energized by being alone.
He then continued on that an extrovert is someone he believed to be energized by being around people.
As a result of this conversation, I managed to track down the definitions of introvert and extrovert. These definitions backed up his thoughts exactly.
Which are you?
Here they are.
INTROVERT
Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.
Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.
Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
EXTROVERT
Definition: Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.
Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.
Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues).
Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.
5/28/2012
Food for Thought...
What do I care?
Some are deeply hurting due to choices they've made. Others are suffering as a result of another's actions.
It's guaranteed that people are going to experience pain in this life. Grief over losing a loved one. Heartache over the break up of a family. Frustration and an urge to fix things as we watch others make bad choices who then continue on to suffer the consequences of those choices.
I'm trying to discipline myself to go beyond the cursory "how are you" as I talk with others. I really do care about what's happening in their lives but even I am prone to ask the age old question only expecting the usual answer of "fine."
I am sometimes surprised by what people have to say if their answer isn't "fine."
I asked someone that today. He first said "it could be better, but do you really wanna know?" Of course I wanted to know so I encouraged him to share. This guy and 4 of his buddies had flown here to Saskatchewan from Maine for a hunting trip. The only luggage that arrived with them 2 days ago were their rifles. The other 8 bags of luggage between them had not yet made it to Saskatoon. They arrived at the airport with no luggage and then proceeded to the budget booth where they had booked a vehicle over 6 months ago. Budget did not have the promised vehicle so this group of guys wound up having to pay another 1100 dollars in order to get 2 smaller vehicles than the original larger one that was requested. As a result of having to wait for their luggage, these guys have had to book motel rooms for 2 or 3 nights which was yet another unexpected cost to them. Then, one of their vehicles got a flat tire. They drove all over Saskatoon looking for a place who would be willing to fix their tire. They went to 5 or 6 places and finally came to my place of work. We were able to do this for them. I'm sure they'll never come to Saskatchewan again after this terrible start to their hunting trip. I felt terrible for them.
The whole point of me explaining this is that it really does matter when you ask someone how they are doing. These guys weren't having a very good go of it but they were glad to have someone to vent to a little bit. I sure didn't mind listening. I know that sharing things can help relieve the frustration levels, even if it's just a little bit.
Here's a few questions for you to think about:
Have we become blind to what's happening in the lives of those around us?
Would we rather be ignorant to the needs of others so that we don't feel the pressure to care?
Are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we have lost all desire to focus on anyone else?
Are we scared that people might ask us how we are truly doing and we would prefer to keep that secret?
Do we know how to respond to someone who doesn't answer "fine"?
Where are you at?
Think about it.
Do you think...
....That maybe this whole human nature thing is a little much to fight sometimes?
It gets wearying after awhile.
It gets wearying after awhile.
5/07/2012
Lost
Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just get lost....
Lost in the moment?
Lost in time?
Lost in the arms of someone who loves you?
Lost in the affection from your children?
Or
Just Lost in everything....
Nothing on your mind, nothing to distract you, nothing to worry you, nothing to consume your very core.
Lost in nothing.
Letting it all go.
Some may call it a way of ignoring life.
Others may say it's a way of coping.
Still others might say it's a desperately needed escape from the pressures of this world.
Then, Something comes along. Maybe a person, a scent, a memory, a song...And it brings you to a place of escape. A place of just being able to "BE."
For me, it's a song.
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.
The words envelop me. My mind absorbs and listens and wants nothing more than to hold within the images that come to mind.
For me it's that escape I long for. It brings me to a place of forgetting the worries, stresses, and concerns of this world I'm in. It allows me to grasp onto something more. Something beyond myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LUc78vbDk&feature=related
Lost in the moment?
Lost in time?
Lost in the arms of someone who loves you?
Lost in the affection from your children?
Or
Just Lost in everything....
Nothing on your mind, nothing to distract you, nothing to worry you, nothing to consume your very core.
Lost in nothing.
Letting it all go.
Some may call it a way of ignoring life.
Others may say it's a way of coping.
Still others might say it's a desperately needed escape from the pressures of this world.
Then, Something comes along. Maybe a person, a scent, a memory, a song...And it brings you to a place of escape. A place of just being able to "BE."
For me, it's a song.
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.
The words envelop me. My mind absorbs and listens and wants nothing more than to hold within the images that come to mind.
For me it's that escape I long for. It brings me to a place of forgetting the worries, stresses, and concerns of this world I'm in. It allows me to grasp onto something more. Something beyond myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LUc78vbDk&feature=related
4/27/2012
Loved
This is a piece a friend of mine recently asked me to write. He lost his daughter to cancer just over a year ago. She was only 22. I was honored to fulfill this request and present him with something special.
Loved
Loved
from the moment you entered our world
Loved
by those eager to embrace you, hold you, and pour love upon you for your days
upon this earth
Loved
As
an infant you held tight to our fingers, embracing our hearts
Innocently
loving those in your presence
And
later on, wrapping your arms around our necks whispering
“I
love you”
To
anyone who would listen
Dreaming
the dreams of a little girl for life’s journey
Blossoming
into a young woman
Beautiful
Vibrant
Full
of life
Smiling
with sparkling eyes at those holding you within their hearts
Readily
grasping the possibilities of a future unknown
Dreaming
Loved
Unexpected
was the news of a bright future cut tragically short
Broken
and scared as to what was to come
Treasuring
every remaining moment
Loving
as never before
Loved
Cherishing
the time we shared, but thirsting for more
Longing
to walk you down the aisle to meet the one you would marry
Yearning
to hold the grandchildren who will never be
Aching
to have your arms wrap around our necks once more
Loved
by many
Grieving
hearts
Embracing
your precious memory
Burying
it deep within
Treasured
Loved
eternally
You
Are Loved
12/12/2011
Mary's Letter...
To my
son…
Oh how
my heart aches for you! It seems a lifetime has passed since they crucified you
yet it has only been 2 days. I am unable
to quench the tears running down my cheeks as they are unending. My arms ache
to hold you. Yet, as much as I ache right now, I am think back to when the
angel visited me on that night oh so long ago. I was so young and so very
afraid, yet I was consumed with wonder as he told me of you! My heart was overjoyed that I was to be your
mother. My family, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure. They questioned me,
scorned me, rebuked me, and called me a liar. I mean, how is it possible to
become pregnant when I had never been with a man?
Oh my
love, the trials I went through even as your earthly father questioned my
virtue. I don’t blame him for how he felt though. He was going to divorce me, well,
until the angel appeared to him and assured him of your supernatural creation.
He was so scared. The hurt and fear that would have been in his heart must have
consumed his every waking moment.
We loved
each other so very much.
How I waited for the day I could hold you in
my arms for the first time. Despite the gossip, hurtful words, and hateful
accusations, my love for you was immediate and fierce. I knew you were special
and the truth behind your existence even if no one else believed me.
Then
Caeser, he decided to call a census. That was the reason we had to travel to
Bethlehem. What a treacherous journey for us. Your poor father, leading the
donkey I was riding and having to care for me. I was nearly ready to deliver
you into this world. My back ached, my feet were so swollen, and every little
jolt and bump wreaked havoc on my body, but I did not complain as I knew your
father was worried enough about my well-being. He was so gentle and kind and
did not complain about the hardship upon him, always putting my needs above his
own. I miss him so much!
When we
finally arrived in that town, it was so busy! There were people rushing about
everywhere trying to find shelter for the night. Your father searched in vain
for shelter for us. I was already feeling faint from the early onset of labour.
Time was of the essence. I knew in my heart we didn’t have long as my body was
preparing itself for your arrival. My son, I was so scared! Where would we
stay? What would we do? My mother had informed me as best she could about how
to deliver a baby into this world. I had witnessed many animal births before
that, too. I just didn’t realize it would be quite so painful!
Finally
your father found a stable, full of animals. It was crude, dirty, and had such
a horrible stench within of animal dung but, at least it was a place to rest. I
was so relieved to be able to get off that donkey and lay in the straw. By
then, the pain was becoming more unbearable. I was sweating, and the pain in my
belly was enough to make me moan. Your father was so concerned. He searched
frantically for someone to help me but could not find any.
In what
felt like forever, you exited my body and oh the relief and wonder as I gazed
upon your face. Here was this child I was promised! Oh Jesus, the first time I
held you in my arms I could hardly see you for the tears streaming down my
face. I had no other way to express my love for you. I wanted to hold you and
protect you for eternity….
Oh my
son, I long to hold you again. I’d gladly take your place. The pain in my heart
is unbearable. I’m broken and empty and numb without you in my arms. I love you so much.
It’s
hard for me to trust in the plan that was shared with me so long ago. That you
were here to save the world from itself. My heart aches for you. I know your
Father is in control and in that I put my faith, but the hurt, oh the hurt of
losing you….
I’m
amazed Yahweh loved me enough to give me You. Yahweh gave me You to share with
the world and His love is so amazing and awesome. How could He love me? How
could He love those who harmed you, whipped you, spit on you, and crucify you?
He is the one and only…
Yahweh
is the essence of what love is…sending you to me yet allowing you to die
brutally at the hands of mankind as a pure and perfect sign of your unending love for us, your precious creations.
I still
miss you son.
I love
you.
Your
Mother
12/08/2011
Christmas...
...is coming.
It's coming whether we like it or not.
Normally this time of year brings about stress, feelings of resentment, anger, and a general "bah, humbug!" attitude out of me.
The shopping, the planning, the decorating, the baking, the logistics of who to see and when, the pressure from those closest to us to see them more and the impending guilt that goes along with that. I CAN DO WITHOUT ALL OF THAT!
However,
this year is different.
We're barely into December and the decorating is done, the baking is mostly complete, the annual Christmas photo is prepared and on it's way to many, many recipients, the Christmas music has been playing since November 25th but most of all....
I've been craving the peace that Christmas represents, the intimacy with my creator.
I've had Josh Groban's version of "Silent Night" playing on repeat quite often. It's my favorite Christmas carol.
The lyrics in that song speak to me. I'm able to envision myself on this amazing night, one like no other for this young couple in a filthy animal dwelling. The calm that came over them after the agonizing birth of bringing a baby into the world. Imagine the the first moments of bonding between Mary and her newborn as she holds this miraculous marvel in her arms.
This child we celebrate...
He then grew up into a man....
Silent night, holy night
It's coming whether we like it or not.
Normally this time of year brings about stress, feelings of resentment, anger, and a general "bah, humbug!" attitude out of me.
The shopping, the planning, the decorating, the baking, the logistics of who to see and when, the pressure from those closest to us to see them more and the impending guilt that goes along with that. I CAN DO WITHOUT ALL OF THAT!
However,
this year is different.
We're barely into December and the decorating is done, the baking is mostly complete, the annual Christmas photo is prepared and on it's way to many, many recipients, the Christmas music has been playing since November 25th but most of all....
I've been craving the peace that Christmas represents, the intimacy with my creator.
I've had Josh Groban's version of "Silent Night" playing on repeat quite often. It's my favorite Christmas carol.
The lyrics in that song speak to me. I'm able to envision myself on this amazing night, one like no other for this young couple in a filthy animal dwelling. The calm that came over them after the agonizing birth of bringing a baby into the world. Imagine the the first moments of bonding between Mary and her newborn as she holds this miraculous marvel in her arms.
This child we celebrate...
He then grew up into a man....
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born
Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "
11/24/2011
No More Than A Girl...
Mary....
She was no more than a girl when a powerful heavenly angel came face to face with her. Not only that, this angel informed her that she had been chosen by the Most High to be the mother of THE most powerful man to have ever walked this earth.
To read her mind during that time in her life would have been a privilege.
The thoughts, the fears, the questions, the wonder, the amazement...it must have consumed her very being.
I can only imagine some of the thoughts flowing through her mind.
How will I tell Joseph?
What will he say? What will he do?
How will I tell my family?
Will I lose those closest to me as they discover I'm pregnant? Will they believe that I was faithful?
Why would I be chosen to be the mother of this child?
Am I worthy?
She must have experienced such inner turmoil as she pondered her life, the life of her forthcoming child, and the man she was destined to marry.
YET....
Mary praised her creator with her whole heart. She trusted in His plan for her and this child DESPITE the rumors that were flying around town about her. She trusted in His plan as her soon-to-be husband had thought to quietly divorce her. She trusted in His plan despite everything that was swirling in her in and around her.
She trusted God. That's all she needed in order to become the woman that today's world knows as the mother of Jesus.
She was no more than a girl when a powerful heavenly angel came face to face with her. Not only that, this angel informed her that she had been chosen by the Most High to be the mother of THE most powerful man to have ever walked this earth.
To read her mind during that time in her life would have been a privilege.
The thoughts, the fears, the questions, the wonder, the amazement...it must have consumed her very being.
I can only imagine some of the thoughts flowing through her mind.
How will I tell Joseph?
What will he say? What will he do?
How will I tell my family?
Will I lose those closest to me as they discover I'm pregnant? Will they believe that I was faithful?
Why would I be chosen to be the mother of this child?
Am I worthy?
She must have experienced such inner turmoil as she pondered her life, the life of her forthcoming child, and the man she was destined to marry.
YET....
Mary praised her creator with her whole heart. She trusted in His plan for her and this child DESPITE the rumors that were flying around town about her. She trusted in His plan as her soon-to-be husband had thought to quietly divorce her. She trusted in His plan despite everything that was swirling in her in and around her.
She trusted God. That's all she needed in order to become the woman that today's world knows as the mother of Jesus.
11/18/2011
Greater Expectations
Expectations....
We all have them.
We expect others to live up to our standard of what we deem is acceptable in society. We expect our children to obey, mind their manners, do well in school, and the list goes on. We expect our friends to be there for us in the rough times. We expect our parents to be what we think a good parent is.
We expect so many things of others.
But...
What happens when those expectations are not lived up to?
What happens when the people we expect the most out of end up disappointing us?
On the flipside, what is expected of us? What do others deem as necessary for our lives?
or an even bigger question...
What do we expect of ourselves?
And what happens when we fail to live up to our own expectations?
We can spend our lives striving to live up to the expectations of those around us. We start as children being taught to obey our parents and authority figures in our lives. We want to please them and inwardly struggle when we fail to do that. We feel we've let them down and in turn work harder to please them even more. Later on in life we aim to please our employers to so we can maintain a job for security in life. We want to please our friends all throughout life so they'll remain our friends.
But somehow, through it all, we create a mental list of expectations for ourselves. We want to please and not disappoint others. We want to do well in life and succeed. We want to marry the right person, raise well-behaved children, have a nice home and vehicle or two, and have that dream career that has been inspiration to work hard. We want to say we're happy and content in the end.
And when those expectations aren't met what happens?
Disappointment, resentment, anger and other feelings begin to set in. We start failing to see what we do have and can be grateful for. Our hearts can be sad for a time but in the end we are responsible for how we live our lives.
It's a sad and slow process as those feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment engulf our hearts. We become blinded to what's good. No, you may not have your dream home but you do have a roof over your head. No, you may not have that new expensive car but you do have a car. You may struggle with your spouse or children but they still love you for who you are. No, you may not have the job you've always dreamed of but you have a job to pay the bills and put food on the table.
It's time to take a look at ourselves and realize what our expectations are. Are our expectations reasonable? Is it time to re-evaluate and figure out what really is important? Does it really matter what other people think of us?
What really matters?
We all have them.
We expect others to live up to our standard of what we deem is acceptable in society. We expect our children to obey, mind their manners, do well in school, and the list goes on. We expect our friends to be there for us in the rough times. We expect our parents to be what we think a good parent is.
We expect so many things of others.
But...
What happens when those expectations are not lived up to?
What happens when the people we expect the most out of end up disappointing us?
On the flipside, what is expected of us? What do others deem as necessary for our lives?
or an even bigger question...
What do we expect of ourselves?
And what happens when we fail to live up to our own expectations?
We can spend our lives striving to live up to the expectations of those around us. We start as children being taught to obey our parents and authority figures in our lives. We want to please them and inwardly struggle when we fail to do that. We feel we've let them down and in turn work harder to please them even more. Later on in life we aim to please our employers to so we can maintain a job for security in life. We want to please our friends all throughout life so they'll remain our friends.
But somehow, through it all, we create a mental list of expectations for ourselves. We want to please and not disappoint others. We want to do well in life and succeed. We want to marry the right person, raise well-behaved children, have a nice home and vehicle or two, and have that dream career that has been inspiration to work hard. We want to say we're happy and content in the end.
And when those expectations aren't met what happens?
Disappointment, resentment, anger and other feelings begin to set in. We start failing to see what we do have and can be grateful for. Our hearts can be sad for a time but in the end we are responsible for how we live our lives.
It's a sad and slow process as those feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment engulf our hearts. We become blinded to what's good. No, you may not have your dream home but you do have a roof over your head. No, you may not have that new expensive car but you do have a car. You may struggle with your spouse or children but they still love you for who you are. No, you may not have the job you've always dreamed of but you have a job to pay the bills and put food on the table.
It's time to take a look at ourselves and realize what our expectations are. Are our expectations reasonable? Is it time to re-evaluate and figure out what really is important? Does it really matter what other people think of us?
What really matters?
11/17/2011
Hindsight is 20/20
Change.
It abounds.
Seasons, time, people, even me.
We have come through a season of change. This is change that we never expected to have but always longed for.
Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out but in a positive way. Our Monday to Friday jobs no longer exist with their regular work hours. Our free evenings and weekends are gone. We live hundreds of kilometers away from our family and friends. The convenience of city life is no longer an option for us.
And although we miss some of those elements, we are working on embracing an entirely new way of life. Irregular work hours that include many weekends and evenings, getting to know the people in our new community, and adjusting to the fact that we can't run to the store for this and that after 6 pm.
My soul is adjusting to the changes too. Longing for the familiarity of HOME, of the people I can be completely myself around, and wondering if we really did make the right decision in making these changes.
We wanted this change. We desperately needed this change. The process of getting here has been far from easy but it's exactly what we've needed. The fear of the unknown; where are we going to live, how can we afford to live,are we going to make friends, are people going to like us, are we going to thrive in this new community....it's all coming together now.
I know God has a plan for us as a family and for me as an individual. It's not always easy to remember that though. As I reflect on this season of change, I can see that He has me and my family in his care. We've made it. We're settling in to be a positive part of this community. We're making friends and some of whom will be very close. Our needs are taken care of despite the worry my mind seems to conjure up.
I am grateful to be here despite my moments of doubt and sadness. There was a time when I fully doubted this would be a reality for us...and here we are. It really is a miracle.
11/02/2010
So here I sit, a few months older with that much more life experience under my belt. Life has this way of changing you and who you are as a person. It's been a rough time as we've been dealing with my father in law's passing and, in turn, dealing with my mother in law (which has been difficult). Also, dealing with changes with my own family and the dynamics of things. The kids are getting older and needing more attention in different ways and it's a struggle to mold them and teach them at times without losing my patience.
There always seems to be something to work through, stand up to, or tear down. It never ends. Today I took Spencer (age 4) to get allergy testing done. It looks as if he's experiencing symptoms to do with asthma more than allergies themselves. I know he'll deal with it just fine because he's a tough little boy and is able to go with things as they come along. I, however, am struggling with this because I've had to grow up with asthma and it breaks my heart that he now has to live a similar life. As his mom, I want the best for him.
It's hard being a parent sometimes...
It's hard being anything at all sometimes...
There always seems to be something to work through, stand up to, or tear down. It never ends. Today I took Spencer (age 4) to get allergy testing done. It looks as if he's experiencing symptoms to do with asthma more than allergies themselves. I know he'll deal with it just fine because he's a tough little boy and is able to go with things as they come along. I, however, am struggling with this because I've had to grow up with asthma and it breaks my heart that he now has to live a similar life. As his mom, I want the best for him.
It's hard being a parent sometimes...
It's hard being anything at all sometimes...
2/22/2010
Transformation
I've been learning alot lately...about myself.
The last 4 years have been some of the most difficult years in my life. When I was in the midst of turmoil and tears, I did not see any way out. I was consumed with hurt, bitterness, and wanted nothing more than to hide from what life was offering me (or at least what I thought life was offering me).
I can see now that I am on the other side of my grief, bitterness, and hurt. Things still aren't easy, nor will they ever be as life requires work when it comes to relationships.
I can see clearly now that maybe God put me through all of this so that I can be a support to others going through similar circumstances. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when life has you looking every way but out.
I'm more content now with life and I'm ready to move on to new and wonderful things. Maybe it will include a new job for Lyndon, or even a move to somewhere new. At this point we don't know what's coming.
I'm still growing and changing and I'm okay with that.
The last 4 years have been some of the most difficult years in my life. When I was in the midst of turmoil and tears, I did not see any way out. I was consumed with hurt, bitterness, and wanted nothing more than to hide from what life was offering me (or at least what I thought life was offering me).
I can see now that I am on the other side of my grief, bitterness, and hurt. Things still aren't easy, nor will they ever be as life requires work when it comes to relationships.
I can see clearly now that maybe God put me through all of this so that I can be a support to others going through similar circumstances. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when life has you looking every way but out.
I'm more content now with life and I'm ready to move on to new and wonderful things. Maybe it will include a new job for Lyndon, or even a move to somewhere new. At this point we don't know what's coming.
I'm still growing and changing and I'm okay with that.
2/08/2010
Processing...
I feel like I have all of these thoughts and feelings swirling around inside of my head. I want to share them with the world, but I have yet to pin them down into comprehensible expressions with which to use.
There are thoughts on God, my life, and how the 2 interact with each other.
There are thoughts on parenting, childhood innocence and what's happening in the world I am a part of.
I'm not sure which direction to go yet.
I'll let you know once I've developed something worth sharing and expressing.
There are thoughts on God, my life, and how the 2 interact with each other.
There are thoughts on parenting, childhood innocence and what's happening in the world I am a part of.
I'm not sure which direction to go yet.
I'll let you know once I've developed something worth sharing and expressing.
11/04/2009
Always Changing....
Change is inevitable.
Some change we can control such as what we do with our time and who we spend it with. Other changes come that we have no control over. Sometimes those are good and we're thrilled to be experiencing something different. Other times, however, we have no control over our circumstances and the change comes whether we want it or not.
My life these days has had both positive and negative things that have changed in the last several months. I still do childcare for a living but the children I care for are different and are challenging for me to work with as we are only beginning to get to know each other.
I'm being pushed in a variety of ways to deal with issues within my life that frankly, I don't want to deal with. By nature, I'm a stuffer. I stuff my feelings inside until little by little they start to leak out and then eventually explodes on me. I do my best to be the person I want others to see, but if they had a good long hard look inside of me, they'd want nothing to do with me.
Change happens....it's good, bad, painful, joyful and many other things.
What's going to happen next?
Some change we can control such as what we do with our time and who we spend it with. Other changes come that we have no control over. Sometimes those are good and we're thrilled to be experiencing something different. Other times, however, we have no control over our circumstances and the change comes whether we want it or not.
My life these days has had both positive and negative things that have changed in the last several months. I still do childcare for a living but the children I care for are different and are challenging for me to work with as we are only beginning to get to know each other.
I'm being pushed in a variety of ways to deal with issues within my life that frankly, I don't want to deal with. By nature, I'm a stuffer. I stuff my feelings inside until little by little they start to leak out and then eventually explodes on me. I do my best to be the person I want others to see, but if they had a good long hard look inside of me, they'd want nothing to do with me.
Change happens....it's good, bad, painful, joyful and many other things.
What's going to happen next?
5/01/2009
Happiness....
...can it be a reality for the average joe?
The search for happiness is on the forefront of every person's mind at at least one time in their lives, if not more. For some, it's a daily search and for others it's only occasionally or rarely on their minds. For others however, they've given up on that quest for happiness.
Webster's dictionary describes happiness as this:
hap⋅pi⋅ness
/ˈhæpinɪs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hap-ee-nis] Show IPA
–noun
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Origin:
1520–30; happy + -ness
Synonyms:
1, 2. pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.
It's human nature to want what's good and enjoyable. It's also human nature to yearn to be content in this life. There are many, many answers which a person could give when asked "what makes you happy?" or "what would make you happy?."
Those answers would include material possessions like a house, car, or the newest toy on the market. Other things such as money, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, or children would be on there as well.
We all think "If I only had ____, then I would be happy, satisfied, and content."
The sad thing is that it doesn't work that way and the majority of people will never realize this on their own.
The newest toy will be bought, the house will be paid for, or the top of the line vehicle will be in their driveway and still.... they will not be happy deep down. They may say that they are, but it's all superficial happiness. It's not a lasting contentment. There will always be something more that can be attained. Always.
Maybe the search for happiness is a facade for the fact that we have this inner emptiness that needs to be filled with something whole and good.
In our human thinking, we continue to think of "if I only had ____" as I mentioned earlier.
Since the beginning of time, mankind has been searching for something to fill this inner void. Even David had something to say about his own search to be filled in soul and spirt.
Here's what David said:
Psalm 63:1-5
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
David acknowledged his inner yearning to be filled with something or Someone. He sought out God to fill that void in his soul.
"My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.."
I believe deep down that what David wrote here applies to every person on earth. We all yearn for something more to fill us and to make us whole. We want to be happy, content, and to have something to live for.
There are those who are dying inside because they have not found what will truly fill that void and provide the contentment and happiness they long for. Many have given up and are just settling for the disappointment and unhappiness that this life has handed to them. They go into what I call 'survival mode.' This is where the person just tries to cope and survive from day to day without really knowing what it is to LIVE. They already feel like they died inwardly, so it's just a matter of time and circumstance before their empty shell of a body follows suit.
Imagine what kind of world this would be if everyone found the contentment and happiness that David speaks of. Millions of people would be able to really live this life and not just survive it. Greed would no longer be an issue as the quest for the new toy, house, or car would be more of a necessity than a want. People suffering from things such as depression and other mental illnesses would be free of what's bogging them down inside.
So can the average Joe find happiness?
I believe it's possible.
The circumstances of it may be different for everyone, or the length of time involved in the journey, but yes, the average joe can be filled with a happiness that will last. We just need to look in the right place for it.
It's an ongoing journey that will take a lifetime to complete. I am still on that journey.
What part of the journey are you on?
Are you content in your soul or is it yearning to be filled?
Are you craving to be able to say to people, when asked "are you happy?", that 'yes, you truly are?'
Are you happy?
The search for happiness is on the forefront of every person's mind at at least one time in their lives, if not more. For some, it's a daily search and for others it's only occasionally or rarely on their minds. For others however, they've given up on that quest for happiness.
Webster's dictionary describes happiness as this:
hap⋅pi⋅ness
/ˈhæpinɪs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hap-ee-nis] Show IPA
–noun
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Origin:
1520–30; happy + -ness
Synonyms:
1, 2. pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.
It's human nature to want what's good and enjoyable. It's also human nature to yearn to be content in this life. There are many, many answers which a person could give when asked "what makes you happy?" or "what would make you happy?."
Those answers would include material possessions like a house, car, or the newest toy on the market. Other things such as money, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, or children would be on there as well.
We all think "If I only had ____, then I would be happy, satisfied, and content."
The sad thing is that it doesn't work that way and the majority of people will never realize this on their own.
The newest toy will be bought, the house will be paid for, or the top of the line vehicle will be in their driveway and still.... they will not be happy deep down. They may say that they are, but it's all superficial happiness. It's not a lasting contentment. There will always be something more that can be attained. Always.
Maybe the search for happiness is a facade for the fact that we have this inner emptiness that needs to be filled with something whole and good.
In our human thinking, we continue to think of "if I only had ____" as I mentioned earlier.
Since the beginning of time, mankind has been searching for something to fill this inner void. Even David had something to say about his own search to be filled in soul and spirt.
Here's what David said:
Psalm 63:1-5
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
David acknowledged his inner yearning to be filled with something or Someone. He sought out God to fill that void in his soul.
"My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.."
I believe deep down that what David wrote here applies to every person on earth. We all yearn for something more to fill us and to make us whole. We want to be happy, content, and to have something to live for.
There are those who are dying inside because they have not found what will truly fill that void and provide the contentment and happiness they long for. Many have given up and are just settling for the disappointment and unhappiness that this life has handed to them. They go into what I call 'survival mode.' This is where the person just tries to cope and survive from day to day without really knowing what it is to LIVE. They already feel like they died inwardly, so it's just a matter of time and circumstance before their empty shell of a body follows suit.
Imagine what kind of world this would be if everyone found the contentment and happiness that David speaks of. Millions of people would be able to really live this life and not just survive it. Greed would no longer be an issue as the quest for the new toy, house, or car would be more of a necessity than a want. People suffering from things such as depression and other mental illnesses would be free of what's bogging them down inside.
So can the average Joe find happiness?
I believe it's possible.
The circumstances of it may be different for everyone, or the length of time involved in the journey, but yes, the average joe can be filled with a happiness that will last. We just need to look in the right place for it.
It's an ongoing journey that will take a lifetime to complete. I am still on that journey.
What part of the journey are you on?
Are you content in your soul or is it yearning to be filled?
Are you craving to be able to say to people, when asked "are you happy?", that 'yes, you truly are?'
Are you happy?
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